A lot of present time is wasted on preparing for the future.

 I’ve had a lot of inspiration lately, I guess.. but it’s not following my schedule. When I work I want to take a break. When I’m on my break I suddently get restless and return to my work. When doing graphics I start thinking about shelves, and when I get as far as to the shelf I just get stuck in graphics again. I could go with the flow, I suppose.. Do everything at once, a piece here and a piece there.. But I don’t dare to.

 
I find I fight my head.

One half is creative and flimsy, the other organized and goal-orientated. It’s a rather sore match, but at the same time it’s the one thing helping me survive this competitive enviroment. A good designer needs to rule both sides. A good designer needs to rule everything really. I try to understand the nature of such a being, so that I eventually can understand how to become one. I admire good designers that are comfortable with anything from clay to martinis. My range of comfort is rather narrow still, I need to work on this.

I think I would get in to a school.

If. I only did one application, like most do. But I’m doing six? Am I trying to sabotage myself? I wish someone else knew.. I’ve been on it for a while now. The Applications. I’ve handed in two, two are half done and two are untouched. I have a week left, quite litterally, as I’m bound by deadlines.

I’m doing ok, I think.

During the past couple of weeks I’ve come up with some of the worst shit ever, and some of the best. To celebrate the latter, I’m taking this Sunday evening off to blog a little. It somewhat scares me that I can sit this still this long. Three weeks. People look at me with some sort of admiration when I say I’ve been doing applications fourteen hours a day, seven days a week for three weeks now. It’s not admiration maybe, it’s pity. I pity myself also, but not for working hard. I pity myself for not being capable of both working hard and leading a life. That’s just sad.

As I mentioned, I have one week left.

I’m tired.

I survive on fantasies and sugar.

I’m looking for an apartment in Helsinki. I’m looking forward to living alone, not having to take anything or anyone into concideration. I know I might hate it after a week or two, but I still dream about those couple of weeks. Just my own stuff in the fridge, my own shampoo bottles in the shower. Myself defined by a concrete box that has an adress. No matter where I am, there’s always that box with my name on it. My place in the world. I also fantasize about my future school, my future projects.. It helps me remember that I exist outside lineweight and ppi.

I find I’m quite the optimist these days.

When I tell people I’m applying for schools, they look at me and seem to think “oh, so you’re trying to avoid working, huh?”. When I say I’m moving down to Helsinki, people frown at me and ask “why?”. When I tell people I’ll start looking for a job in Helsinki, many look at me and say “so you think you’ll find a job then..?”.

But I keep my head high. I’ve called about an appartment, I’ve applied for a couple of jobs. I’ve applied for a scholarship and cross my fingers. All I can do is try. In my country, you’re nothing if you’re unemployed. Nothing. Many get depressed fast when put in this situation, but the key to surviving is knowing your enemies.

I know Helsinki is the toughest town of all when it comes to finding an appartment. I know it’ll be hard to find a job in the depression. I know I might run out of money. I know people might look at me and see failure when I tell them I’m unemployed. I know they might see cowardness when I say I’m applying for schools.

But you don’t get to judge me. You don’t get to point your finger and say failure, before I’ve actually failed.

I’m moving to Helsinki and I’m finding a job. I’m saving my money in order to continue my studies for a couple of years. Because I know what I want now.

I know what I want.