I’ve started a new school. Feels like I do so often, but maybe just lately. A couple of months ago I had to choose in which country to live, and a couple of months before this I was sitting with applications, rather indifferent to where life was headed. But oh well, let’s not dwell on the past. One stupid portfolio printed on the wrong type of paper took me into the most prestigeous design school in my country. I am proud to be there, because they all tell me I should be. “You’ve won the lottery, congratulations!” And instead of being a frosen pidgeon on a rotten stick up there, I actually feel like I belong. For once, maybe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZqZ-Xf1mkg

This summer has taught me something and everything about failing. I’ve waited a long time already, for it to stop, but it doesn’t seem to, so I’m learning how to be comfortable with being distracted and clumsy. I always was, but this summer I’ve had to make friends with it. But I suppose, with accepting this in yourself you also have more patience with others? Luckily enough I never expected more from you than I can offer myself. I think.

TaiK is sort of big and frightening, but within the size of it all I feel I can maybe disappear. Not so many eyes on me, expecting me to go in whichever direction. With that size, and that quality, I can maybe try it all, fail it all and proudly leave, saying - at least I did it all. I didn’t try hard enough at my previous school, or I did actually, I worked as hard as I could, but. If you know nothing about playing the guitar, you can try as much as you want, but most probably, you won’t get far. I’ve found this metaphorical paper with chords, and now I can start making music. Everyone can learn how to play the guitar, everyone can do design. We’re secretly terrified, all of us “designers”, that a mere mortal will come along and be so much better.. As design belongs to us all. But to write a hit? Tricky. Then again, with my own music, I was always so much more interested in making the cheesy shit I never listen to but always play, instead of pleasing anyone else.

That will be the key to my failure in design, as I always, with this “thinking too much”, prefer screwing myself over completely with honesty, than pretending myself into eternal bliss and happiness. At least today.

I don’t think I will succeed in design. And I don’t say this to get your response. But for some strange reason, I’m actually looking forward to failing. There so much to learn within that. I really want to study at TaiK, and I’ve even let go a little of my desperation for graphics. At Sydväst I wanted to become a designer, but was never really inspired to be one. Liked the title, but not the rising challenge. I’m ready for the challenge now, and whether I’d like to be a designer in the end or not doesn’t matter as much.

Right now I need the challenge.

As of today I’m done with appologizing for not writing about nice, everyday stuff in my blog. I’ve decided that’s not what it’s for. It’s just white noise. The everyday stuff are still there, but you need to scrape the shit off the surface.

I’ve had a really good weekend, and now need to spend the Sunday being depressed about it. End.